Suns
I don’t know about you, but when I find myself suddenly staring at the ceiling in the wee of hours of the morning, I reach for the remote and watch Oprah. I have no idea when exactly she’s on EST time, but there she was beside Tyra Banks Friday morning sometime before dawn using Chris Brown and Rihanna’s troubling relationship as a case study of sorts.
Wow, I never cease to revere how she’s taken a tacky forum like the talk show and transformed it into something between a temple and a town hall that not just Americans but people all over the world – she’s huge in Saudi Arabia – depend on for moral direction and advice on how to live whole, fulfilling lives.
As for Tyra, post modeling, she has bloomed into even more of a femme fatale — as unbelievable as it is that she could have become more of a tigress than she already was but I think there are all these dimensions to her that modeling didn’t let her explore that she’s leveraging.
I mean she’s basically cleaned up the down and dirty Rickie Lake time slot and audience in a way I didn’t imagine possible, is actually guiding a demographic of younger women that Oprah doesn’t reach, into a more stylish, informed femininity that does however — positive aspects aside — seem to be embedded in too many accessories!
Anyway, I know not a single song by Chris Brown, have very little familiarity with what he does. I have observed him once or twice on a TV in my teenage nephew’s bedroom that always seems to be tuned to BET and my impression of him right off the cuff was that it’s unnatural for a young man that age to smile so sweetly, so it comes as no great surprise to me that he has a hellish flipside.
As for Rihanna, I know her music a little better, though I would like to mention as a disclaimer that I feel like an ancient Greek discussing a fight between Zeus and Hera somewhere up on Mount Olympus when I attempt to wrap my head around a celebrity couple’s argument in a Lamborghini en route to the Grammys .
Oprah and Tyra did their best to take Rihanna’s bite marks and bruises and turn them into a ‘teaching moment’ for the young girls nationwide who have seen this whole awful drama unfold and may have needed help processing it, especially in light of the fact that Chris Brown and Rihanna are apparently still dating.
The problem I had with the whole discussion was the way young men were discussed or — weren’t. They never got past being ‘they’ and ‘them,’ and hovered over the whole discourse in a way that could only be felt as problematic. At one point when a girl in the audience brought up the possibility that Rihanna may have gotten physical with Chris Brown first and that Rihanna’s reconciliation with him may have been evidence of her complicity in the violent nature of their relationship, the point that a boyfriend can only restrain a violent girlfriend was made without addressing the issue of violent girlfriends.
Something’s missing.
For starters, there’s no male version of Tyra to help young men work through this discussion.
As for the the absence of nurturing role models for young black men on the home front and in our neighborhoods, that’s best illustrated by Tied To Greatness, an idea of Alex Ellis, a black designer, amongst other things, who visits schools in cities like Philadelphia and Chicago to teach young black men how to groom themselves for success.
To date, Mr. Ellis has given out around 2500 ties to young black men who have never undergone such a basic male rite of passage as being taught how to knot a tie.
Hello!
Aren’t our sons one of our community’s greatest resources?
Tags: alex ellis, black teens, blacks, chris brown, oprah, rihanna, tied to greatness, tyra banks
March 15th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I never saw the Oprah and Tyra shows. I find it surprising that they didn’t include young males in the discussion, though.
Good observations.
March 15th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
The lack of discussion regarding black males in a time when we have already lost a generation of them is deplorable. There is a very scary epidemic taking place and as many black women have moved on to elevate themselves and black men are……. Houston, we have a big problem and although women could stand up and do something, I am not confident it would be effective. Where are the pastors and fraternities? The number of black females in college is more than double! My husband has begun working on a solution but it is time that more men stand up. http://www.brothersmakingadifference.org. His organization works with young boys and the program is ran 100% by men. The goal is to reach the young men before middle school. The programs that do exist are for middle and high school boys and at that time it is usually unfortunately too late.
March 16th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
You’ve done it again!
March 16th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Hi Jen,
Great entry. You have a much more firm understanding of all these different gender and ethnicity roles than I do, but in terms of personality I can’t stand Tyra. She talks down to every single person I’ve ever seen on her show. Oprah is great on the mass whole, but individually she doesn’t tell anyone anything unique or outside general common sense. I do however invoke her if I see she’s signed off on something like a book, so I guess I agree with her taste. Anyway, I always say when someone is abusive it’s not so much their fault. Especially, for someone like Chris Brown, who is a young man, barely, and maybe not. The fault is of his parents, and their parents. It’s learnt behavior. I say let’s not talk about what Chris Brown did, let’s talk about why his parents taught him hitting and punching people who’ve hurt his feelings is okay. I mean, everything we do is some how a reaction to what we’ve learned. Finally, I will say as an adult he should have known his boundaries and should have figured out by now what was at risk when he acted outside his boundaries. I do agree young people, male and female, black or white, need to figure out what adulthood is about and the responsiblities involved with it. There’s no one perfect answer of course, but just the constant challenge to everyone to reexmanine their past and see what happened to their parents and grandparents. Think for instance to myself, my mom smoked, back then it was considered ok to smoke, but today I realize smoking is bad for my health, then I will decide myself not to smoke.
March 16th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
What do you all think of Jewel Woods?
http://jewelwoods.com/node/9
He’s done some great work with young black men. Some of my beloved feminist/womanist friends deplore his ‘Black Male Privilege Knapsack.” I, on the other hand, find it somewhat insightful.
…
March 17th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Dear Jen,
I love your work. And since I just spent 20 minutes looking for a way to contact you but couldn’t find one, could you please contact me?
I am Managing Editor of the new civil rights blog, http://www.thedefendersonline.com, presented by the NAACP Legal Defense Fund to provide insightful, thought-provoking pieces on topics related to race, justice, democracy, equality, culture and The Obama Presidency.
I am inviting you to write for http://www.thedefendersonline.com. Please contact me either at tstovall@naacpldf.org or 212.965.2791 if you are interested.
Thanks and kudos for your truly outstanding writing from a fresh point-of-view. That is exactly what we are looking for and I hope we can work together.
Best,
TaRessa Stovall
Managing Editor
TheDefendersOnline
March 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Hi Jen,
Thanks for inviting me you your blog. Your points are well-taken and I especially liked your comment about Chris Brown and his smile.
I don’t know how important this is, but does anyone remember when Chris Brown first came on the scene, he was always accompanied by his mother? Was that staged or was it that he was what, 16, and didn’t have anyone to escort to the awards shows?
I don’t know that anyone can truly know what goes on in people’s relationships, but from what we do know, Rihanna doesn’t seem to understand that she needs to use her head and move away from whatever she feels for this guy. I’m sure she thinks it’s love, but it’s probably mad infatuation, and the sex. Let’s not forget that part. Maybe she should try to forget that ‘part.’
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Chris Brown is very young, but I do suspect that Oprah, Tyra and everyone, do not feel very much melancholy for young black men. I do believe inherited violent behaviors are a very sad dilemma. What to do about healing this legacy of cascading, tragic violence which compounds itself ? I cannot say succinctly. And how violent are society’s remedies to eliminate or arrest the spinning out of control disasters in Character? eye for a tooth, for a tooth ? - firmness is in the equation- if not complete revenge - and in some instances, overkill. Out and out injustice on the part of the judicial system has created an ambiance of disrespect. Mockery is the moral code of our wretched land in these trying days. We’re on a wicked housecleaning binge. AIG London staff are going to receive their bonuses, or so it appears Throw the black men out, does in many ways, mimic the conduct, motivated by fear, of the larger white society. It’s convenient, now, after doing them a million disservices to just simply write ‘em off. The alone, independent and prospering young woman is one parallel arc we see in the mix, which is in contrast to the masculine imagery. Constant quotes remind of the statistics for college enrollment. This is worth a look. The woman is losing her male counterpart, which is really difficult for her as well. How far can we go toward resurgence, casting our young men as ogres? We had, at first, the injustice that happened to “The Hurricane’; a cookedup police smear born in envy. Now, we will have the story of Regina Kelly in the cross between an American rose & an African violet: American Violet - with dogs let loose on a group of folks by southern justice. All due to the “informant” capabilities of a young black man, himself subjected to treatment Amnesty International has called on par with activities in China and in other lands not dismayed by Repression. The prison industry is a shadow government, a hair’s breadth away from genocidal practice, when you stir in the difficulties our men have leading families once the hot brand of “criminal” stigma has been applied. The current cruelty leaves the bruthas disfigured and disfiguring. Things are not going to be easy to fix. The root may lie somewhere in a legacy of IGNORING black men and their needs. Especially now that their European-American counterparts are being shoved into the same frustrating cycles of deprivation and moods of violence. They have already been there, truth be told, and now their miseries are being aggravated by shrinking this and dissolving that. A young Downs syndrome man and activist was on television news this evening decrying the abandonment of his life positives, the litany of slashed services in his life, things which have fallen victim to economic downturn. As Mike has pointed out, the man who was raised getting smacked around tends to emulate the behavior; especially when other approaches to problem solving feel too humiliating, diminishing of the manhood- or even beyond the perpetrator’s understanding. Oftentimes the transgressor, in a bear trap, feels completely isolated. This cyclic misery doesn’t seem to save any of the bruthas from being disposable. Not enough of them spin out of cycle and find careers in rap or as with Dr. Ben Carson (once somewhat of a thug according to his autobiography): brain surgery.To be a Harvard, Pomona or Columbia man does not make one exempt from being pulled over on the shoulder road. And messed with. This happens habitually, nonsensically. Class will not protect a man from that. America’s social prescription seems to be - if the ailment of violence is being continued throughout a line of men - - just stop the line. That seems to be the theory anyway. Incarcerate them out of it. When it comes to someone spending time to help with issues of the neglected son, who has no reliable at-home parent, well then it is NIMBY. Go do social work somewhere else i.e. check Tony Montana from the tub shouting - “go work with some black kids” with all the scorn his gangsta behind can muster. Maybe a few years back, but now the money is not being spread around very liberally. Society doesn’t follow the BIble teachings in turning the other cheek. The Bible won’t deliver ya’ from evil even if you place your palm upon it in a court of law. The system is just plain screwed up and the empathy has been obliterated by several centuries of Lost and Losing men. Oprah ‘s entire popularity has its origin in help and self-help for women. The black men have been swept up into the dustpan with men in general and it’s choking in there.
March 22nd, 2009 at 10:03 pm
As someone who knows a few women who have been in abusive relationships, the only thing I can say is that it is very complex and people outside the relationship will never understand. Until this day, even after the women I know left their abusers I still do not understand.
Jen I think you are so right! The men are not being included in this conversation, and maybe if they are included we can shed some light on why some men choose to be violent towards their girlfriends/wives. Even if she did provoke him, that really isn’t an excuse. Many men are provoked and make a conscious decision not to lay a finger on a woman.
Also we have to acknowledge that both people, abuser and victim have a problem!
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:12 am
Jen I wonder if Oprah read your blog entry because just last week (or maybe a week further back) she did a show on the male perspective of domestic abuse, with Kevin Powell as a guest speaker via Skype. Robin Givens also chimed in on Skype. Oprah had two everyday men on the stage with her, talking about their recovery as abusers. I saw this saw last week - the late night re-run of the show.
I appreciated Kevin Powell’s stance, and wished Oprah had more black men on the show to really talk about this issue. Robin Givens also had good things to say.
However, I think that one thing we don’t talk about enough is women who physically abuse. Powell (or Givens) said that 85% of domestic abuse is men beating women. Does that mean we’re to ignore the 15% where it’s presumably the other way around? I think we need to talk about ALL OF IT. I don’t have the solutions, but I do see the need for a wholistic conversation about this topic - not just the usual - “pay attention to the majority.”
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